A timorous, broken heart… <3

“There is no fear in Love. Perfect Love casts out all fear”. 

If you have been hurt, especially as a child, you may find yourself as an adult, pouring all your effort into merely trying to survive the pain and the brokenness hidden deep within your heart. If you have been hurt repeatedly and if the wound is deep then perhaps you are ‘bleeding’, barely breathing. It is tough. There are no real words to express the depth of pain and fear that is all but crippling. Yet, maybe like me you are a fighter, a survivor, you’ve made it this far….so far…people looking upon you outwardly have no idea of the mental and emotional anguish you’ve lived through and survived, and are working hard to overcome. They don’t see that your survival is miraculous, and that your heart has to pulse so much harder to keep you alive, in every sense, but still you’re barely breathing. But maybe, like me, you’ve been touched by a Love so Pure, so Faithful, so Gentle that this Perfect Love casts out all fear. The Love, the healing, saving, rescuing sacrificial (agape) Love of the Lord Jesus, Who loved you and gave His life for you. This Love has rescued me. He has come to heal the broken hearted and bind up our wounds – mental, physical, spiritual and emotional. And yet this healing is a process. And it takes time. He knows each heart, and perhaps some He will restore with a single breath, a heavenly touch. Not mine, however, and perhaps not yours. He has brought me so far, and yet after all this time, there is still a deep wound, remnants of trauma still linger, and the pain and turmoil within bubbles to the surface from time to time. And He holds me still. He loves me. He Is Great enough for my deep wounds. He can carry me through and carry me home. But what of opening up to the possibility of imperfect love? Could such a thing be for hearts like ours that have been broken, lives that have been filled with seasons of pain and trauma, and our strongest times so far are ones of being in the process of restoration, but never *yet* knowing that ‘someday’ of wholeness that is to come? I don’t know the answers to this. Perhaps you have found a new reality for your timorous heart and you are learning to do more than survive or exist. Maybe you have some lessons for me? Yes, I am Held, life, spirit, soul and body by the Perfect Love of God found in Christ Jesus. And yet, it is only in trusting and knowing the One Who will never fail, leave or forsake us that it is possible to begin to trust mere mortals, knowing that even when people fail, God will not. Yet the heart is a tender vessel. One that needs constant encouragement. And one, if it does not feel safe, or find a safe harbour to rest in, one that will receive it safely just as it is, broken or hurt by others or the experiences of life, as it is, then that timorous broken heart will find a hiding place….the only safe place to hide is in Christ but even so, that broken little heart and mind may find it too hard to believe that it can be taken care of, for it has never really known this, and so it merely whispers, and hides and does not sing the song that it was born to sing…

you are not alone
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“Travelling Teaches You” (13)

Travelling teaches you to keep moving forwards. There is something of a momentum in travel, even when you have reached your chosen destination. For there is a certain weight to knowing that one has only a limited time in a certain place, especially when it is different to what you are used to, that keeps you looking, seeing, planning, exploring, doing and going ~ forwards, from one new ‘adventure’ or experience to the next. We seek to ‘make the most of’ our new experiences, knowing that time is fleeting and that before we know it, things will have changed yet again – maybe we will have moved on to a new place, continuing our travels around our little yet magnificent globe, a speck of wonder in this vast universe of Creation, or we will return to the ‘normality’ of our everyday circumstances, and know that we will most probably cease to look at our lives with the same wonder. Knowing this helps us to keep that forward motion and forward thinking.

However, if you are anything like me, you probably find this more challenging to do as you travel through your life generally. Perhaps thoughts about the past keep us from living fully in the present or moving forwards with greater freedom and change into the future. As someone who has been overcoming post traumatic stress primarily caused by childhood bullying, I know that this can be difficult, that one can get stuck, body, mind and heart in a certain place that is so distressing that it is impossible to get free of without help. Yet, exploring the past can sometimes be the most forward compelling thing we can do if we are seeking to break the cycle of whatever has kept us in fetters, as we face that seemingly overwhelming challenge of thinking of ourselves in new ways and moving towards freedom.

Perhaps we need that reminder that the journey of our lives on earth is limited, is fleeting and that we need to wake up to the awareness to make the most of the time and life we have. For me, for the past few years that has meant putting in a lot of hard work and effort in confronting a painful past of childhood hurt and trauma from bullying, but I don’t believe it was time wasted ~ as challenging as it is to change and heal, it is a journey and a road well worth travelling on, so that we can wake up, be free, and live in the new moments that Life Gifts us with. For me, this freedom is in Christ, and I take His Hand as He leads me on in this journey through life. xx

road sky clouds cloudy
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