Yep, this post is real time, happening right now. I’ve written a lot about mental health and my experiences of anxiety so hopefully writing as it happens will encourage and help someone out there somehow.
What is happening right now? In case you’re wondering how I am typing while experiencing an episode of anxiety, I can touch type and have done for years and therefore it is very natural in terms of ‘muscle memory’ and also somewhat ‘soothing’ in a way to help me through this.
I have been having difficulty with my breathing, those ‘icky’ anxious feelings rising up in my chest, struggling to not ‘zone out’ as dizziness takes over and my head lolls back and forth. Feelings of being trapped, unable to control my body’s responses and do simple things, upset, trying to regain control.
This is clearly not one of my worse ‘episodes’. During those I wouldn’t be able to communicate with you at all or sit and write, but hopefully it illustrates to those who don’t understand anxiety, particularly the clinical Generalised Anxiety Disorder that you might see someone in your life with this condition seemingly ‘functioning’ but actually this ‘invisible illness’ can be hurting them pretty bad at that moment. For those of you who do experience anxiety and wonder if you’re crazy or if you are making it up somehow in your head because you can still ‘do stuff’ ….be encouraged that you may still be functioning, maybe somewhat on ‘autopilot’ even though you are moving through life and getting on with things, that doesn’t negate your heightened state of distress, and the difficult thing is it is not easy to see.
When things have been really bad for me during an anxiety or panic attack or dissociation from PTSD and related symptoms, I struggle to walk, talk and write as words get jumbled and my spelling gets all mixed up. I feel dizzy, distressed and have been physically sick before, both at work and on the way to work, I’ve had to be held by people to be able to walk, I’ve hyperventilated and felt like my mind was going to explode, suffering as if with a nightmare even while awake, with intrusive thoughts and an inability to tolerate multiple conversations, sounds, lights, sensory input of any kind.
Why am I telling you this? Because I am a fighter, and I believe you are too. Even as I am currently, as I write and possibly as you read this, going through an episode of anxiety right now, as my body rocks itself back and forth as I type in an automatic effort to ‘self soothe’, I am reaching out to you. Once upon a time I would be floored, I would be immobile and unable to get control of my distress, and maybe that’s the situation you’re in with anxiety or related conditions in your season of life right now.
But keep practicing, on the good days as well as the bad, strengthen your coping techniques, get so strong so that instead of panic, helplessness, fear and despair and your nervous system, mind and body going ‘haywire’, you will have trained your system’s automatic response to be one that finds a way to get control of your symptoms rather than them controlling you. You will get up, you will keep fighting, you will get a handle on the fight, flight, freeze responses, and like me, the overwhelming feelings of maybe being dizzy, disoriented, confused, overwhelmed, upset, distressed, having palpitations, feeling perhaps like you’ll be sick, being sick, feeling like you might collapse, faint, have a heart attack, maybe even die….you will conquer them….so don’t give up hope, we’re in it together…I can’t believe how far I have come sometime, but I am determined to get so strong that I can help other people, and I know that same fight and resilience is in you too my friend. Never give up. You are capable of amazing things, even with your condition, and even as the symptoms happen in real time. Be blessed. x
Time to go and get a handle on this stuff, first step, breath work to regulate nervous system with deep breathing. Here goes….