Tag Archives: Human

SELF CARE IN A PANDEMIC (12). Gather Your Crew.

There is power in learning to stand alone, but there is also great encouragement in standing together. Sometimes life, and perhaps particularly life in a pandemic, is a fine balance between these two positions.

I have been learning a lot about this in 2020, and perhaps you have too. I have been learning some of these lessons before this year as well through various tests and trials in life.

This year, I spent the first four months of lockdown living alone, and not having any face to face contact with any living thing for almost all of that time (except perhaps from interacting with a delivery driver or passing strangers on the street). I have found this to be strengthening, challenging and enlightening in a number of ways. I have grown in my relationship with Christ, knowing Him more deeply as my True Source of Love, Encouragement, Strength and Provision. Yet as human beings we are also made for connection with each other, and although I used my time wisely and creatively, there were still times of loneliness, of missing out on the interactions that we otherwise tend to take for granted on a daily basis. As a single person, I have disciplined myself to learn to enjoy and thrive in my independence of living alone, travelling by myself, seeking to be creative and to inspire other people (which has been a discipline, choice and challenge to seek out adventure rather than retreat as I have had years of panic attacks and anxiety) as well as investing time in myself to heal from traumas, and to reach out to help other people. As a quieter, reflective and creative soul, I crave and need time by myself to replenish, to think, to process and to create. Too much noise, people and goings on can cause me a lot of stress, and panic attacks, anxiety and so forth. That being said, I also have quite a lot of deep friendships that have been cultivated one to one or in groups of twos or threes over the years, am a friendly and caring person, and I enjoy interacting with people in ways that suit my personality, nature and disposition, and where I have the choice to do so or not to do so, and perhaps you can relate to some of this?

Lockdown took away control from a lot of us, whether we live alone or with others. Perhaps we like staying indoors sometimes, but we tend as human beings to like to maintain the choice in the matter, and to do things or not to do things with the freedom of choice.

Being in lockdown alone for four months changed some of my relationships. While I have some very mutually giving friendships, I realised that friends who have families of their own just didn’t have single people on their radar. Some friends with families actually enjoyed lockdown as having more time together, were able to have fun and flourished in the situation. They did not think that someone living alone might be really struggling with the contrasts of that, and as such some of my friendships have changed in dynamics, I’ve had to reconsider my boundaries, and other friendships have grown closer.

I’m very blessed to have a family that I could phone everyday or whenever I needed to throughout those four months living alone with no other contact. Of course, I live alone in the city in general but as I usually work there too, even as a single person pre-pandemic I’d have interactions with work colleagues, I’d be able to meet up with friends and go out to dinner or to music events or go places by myself. Not having that changed the way I saw some of my friendships where I wasn’t on their radar so much, and I guess that’s ok. We all are going through different things and have to recalibrate our lives and boundaries from time to time. Some people kept in touch, but mainly to ‘vent’ because I am an empathetic and caring and loving person. Other friendships have been a source of encouragement, fun, and camaraderie through these times.

The point I am getting to, in the hope of edifying you, is that as we head towards the winter season of 2020, consider your crew and who the important people are in your life in this season. Perhaps you have a strong sense of who these people are, a network of friends and family that you have shared the ups and downs of life with. One thing I would suggest that you think about is even if you do feel you have such people in your life, consider whether you have a range of people to connect with and turn to and make sure that you are not overburdening (or being overburdened by) any one person. We are all going through something, and we all need encouragement, so make sure that you are giving as well as receiving that.

Perhaps you are not in such a place. Perhaps you are lonely and struggling, even if you live with other people or have many other interactions.

My advice or suggestions would be for you to consider whether you have the right connections in your life. Are there some people you need to move on from who are having a toxic influence on you? Do you feel like you don’t have anyone, and need to reach out for help? Even if you don’t have friends or family to turn to, perhaps you could connect with some online groups that are safe and have like minded people. Maybe you could reach out to community groups for help and support, or ask a volunteer group to connect you with a mentor or a ‘buddy’ such as they do with phone volunteers so that you can hear a friendly voice from time to time. There are plenty of phone lines and crisis support lines such as the Samaritans and Breathing Space here in the UK if you feel like you have nowhere to turn, and if you are in a different country, a simple ‘Google’ or other search could put you in touch with the details of similar groups or organisations. Maybe you enjoy the connections online that help keep you in touch with people, even as you learn to stand strong by yourself.

Yet having a lot of connections or a diversity of connections is not enough in itself. You need the depth and authenticity of feeling known and heard, and this may or may not be with your family, friends you already know, etc. You may have to take time to gather a new crew, form new connections, ones in which you are not simply just another face on a screen, or voice in a crowd, but real authentic connections.

Think about who your ‘team mates’ may be this season. If you are feeling strong in yourself then perhaps it is a good opportunity, if that is the right thing for you in your life just now, to be the one to reach out to someone else who is struggling and help and empower them, not to become dependent on you, but to know that they are seen, heard and help them to find an empowering way forwards step by step in their own life.

There is strength to be found in standing alone. But we also all need each other. Perhaps this is why in part we blog and write and share on platforms like this so that while we develop our own skills and gifts and talents and interests, we also are part of a community that can share with each other, learn from one another and grow together.

Who is your crew? Are there any wiser decisions you need to make in who you let close to you? Do you need to step up and be there for someone? Do you need to create space for yourself to step back and reconsider things or to ease out of things that are not meant for you in this season? Do you need to let go of toxic people, or do you need to invest in certain relationships, reconnect, or create a broader network of mutual support?

Now is a great time to be thinking about these things, of how we can get stronger and how we can help each other as communities.

Stay safe, well and I pray you will be blessed, friends. Thank you for stopping by and reading, I appreciate you. x

Photo by Norma Mortenson on Pexels.com

Hug deficiency…

I just read an article shared by a friend about the importance of hugs (whether from a parent, partner, spouse, child, friend or pet) for our physical, chemical, mental, emotional and psychological health. 

It was a very interesting piece, explaining how the hormones and chemicals in our body and brain produce stress relieving or producing effects that are directly impacted by positive, reassuring, physical contact. such as hugs, or lack thereof. Hugs for maximum wellbeing should be around 20seconds long, but on average they are much less. 

I won’t go into the science, but you get the point, and I’m sure you can relate to the sense of wellbeing you have had when holding someone or a pet, or being held by a loved one. 

Perhaps you are blessed to have an abundance of hugs so that your general wellbeing is boosted and in stressful times your stress response is lessened. I am very blessed to have a particularly huggable mum who is also an incredibly enthusiastic ‘giver of hugs’! I think my mum probably goes a long way in making up for my ‘hug deficiency’ if it is possible to ‘store up’ the effects of hugs, I’m not sure 😉 Ok, so I’m being a bit tongue I cheek, but the article mentioned a piece of research on the number of hugs required for wellbeing and different levels of wellbeing. And despite facts and figures being what they are, and clearly you have to take this with a pinch of salt, the number of hugs required for ‘survival’ is 4 a day. It sounds a bit like your fruit and veg intake of ‘5 a day’.

Perhaps ‘survival’ can be interpreted in terms of wellbeing and quality of life. As a single young woman who lives alone, and works a full time job, and sees my parents around once a month, my general ‘intake of hugs’ on an average day is….oh, let me count…..um…..’ZERO’. 

However, I am still alive….survival rate is 100% so far….yet, quality of life and wellbeing? I do suffer from depression, anxiety and complex PTSD…..however, I am an overcomer, not merely a survivor. I have grown from feeling broken and needy and alone, to growing into somewhat of a ‘girl boss’….and as I stand alone, I am learning to stand tall. But, yes we all need hugs, not that we always want them….I have grown used to my solitary space, it’s what I know. Unless I truly loved someone and felt loved by them, a 20 second long hug would just feel….AWKWARD to me….and I don’t have a pet, so I guess writing is maybe a bit of a ‘wellbeing intake’ for me in a way 🙂 

The point of this rambling post is that if you are also ‘hug deficient’ it is important to think about how this might be affecting your wellbeing, and how you can take care of yourself in other ways. Yes, physical contact and connection helps us grow and enjoy life and promotes wellbeing, however connection and contact can come in different forms, and a variety of friendships, relationships and even in solitude we can boost our wellbeing by taking extra care of our bodies, our minds, and making time for ourselves….so you might be lacking in hugs, but you are an amazing human being, capable of experiencing the blessings and gifts of Peace, stillness and wellbeing….even if in solitude….let ‘self care, self kindness and compassion’ (and most importantly to me, connection with God in His Love for me) be your own hug to you! 🙂 That way, you will have more to give to others from a place of strength and not neediness, whenever those hugs do come your way! xx

smiling woman carrying dog near tree
Photo by Lauren Whitaker on Pexels.com

 

“Travelling Teaches You” (5)

Travelling teaches you  the importance of connection, and of non-verbal communication. 

On a basic level, when you’re in a country in which you are unfamiliar with the language, a phrase-book and basic preparation can only take you so far. Many of us take it for granted that someone we meet will speak English, however, even if they do, that doesn’t mean that they will understand your accent, meaning or dialect and vice versa. 

Somehow we find a way, and practically speaking, we find other ways of communicating in order to realise our basic needs ~ perhaps one may point, gesture, use facial expressions and / or other non-verbal cues. (As a side note, I am aware, and admit that I speak with a lack of knowledge of how people with sensory impairments manage such challenges, and I apologise for that fact, and welcome any of your insights). 

However, communication as a human being goes beyond getting basic needs and wants met. Integral to our humanity is the need for connection with other people, on a deeper level than that of the content of our conversations. And sometimes travelling teaches us this in a way that is unique to any other experience. Travelling teaches us, that as important as language is, we share the ability to connect and communicate as human beings even when words are not spoken or understood. We find a depth and a richness to things that we may have previously taken for granted, such as eye contact, a gentle touch, a gesture of kindness, or even silently enjoying a shared experience (such as watching a beautiful sunset) with a stranger, with whom there is no other means to communicate, other than with the heart.

Travelling teaches you the innate communication of humanity, of shared existence and that we all are Created by the same Hand, and can share the deepest communication by simply being, and ‘speaking’ with the heart. (c). 

grayscale photo of man woman and child
Photo by Kristin De Soto on Pexels.com