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The Wounds of Words, and Learning to Love Yourself…

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We all need mental resilience to make it through this life. For some of us, this has been a great battle when it comes to our self perception.

Once upon a time, you were born, a precious, adorable, beautiful and wonderful little baby, full of hope and promise. Perhaps like me, you are blessed to be loved by parents who wanted you. Yet, even if you sadly didn’t have that love, there is absolutely no doubt whatsoever about the fact of the miracle of your birth, the wonder of your life, and any person of sound mind and heart would declare the truth that you were born a precious, loveable, beautiful little baby, worthy of love, and to be cherished, regardless of the hand in life or circumstances you were dealt.

Each and every baby, every life is precious, no matter how it came to be. That includes you.

However, somewhere along the way, life got tricky, it got complicated, and we got hurt. Those who were meant to protect us either didn’t or couldn’t and we were wounded. I’d like to focus here specifically on one aspect of wounding or abuse (as this is such a vast topic, I couldn’t do it justice to try to explore in one post all the different ways we can be hurt in this life) – that of words.

Perhaps like many of you, the wounds of words came early in childhood, and consequently caused a great distortion in self image, feelings of worth and confidence. If you have suffered the wounding words of childhood, adolescence and even adulthood, it can be hard to differentiate the effects of those wounds from the truth of who you are. It can be a life long journey. I know.

Perhaps you are stuck in a time, or feeling the reeling pain from memories where you might have been labelled with cruel words such as: ugly, stupid, fat, disgusting, loser, loner, nobody, outcast, dog, pot ugly, idiot, geek, weirdo, or whatever it may have been.

At a formative age, we don’t know the difference between who we are and what we are told about ourselves. I have as a young child, a teenager and an adult been told that I was pretty, lovely, beautiful, etc. However, there was a time in my life growing up that I believed and felt that I was too ugly and disgusting and repulsive to even be alive. I was called ugly, black *****, pot ugly, dog, etc. I was also physically hit and hurt by bullies at school, but that’s another story, I’m just focusing on words for now.

The words literally broke me. I felt repulsive, like a monster, sick to my stomach and I felt like my poor mum had to live with a monster for a daughter, I felt too ugly and worthless to be on this planet, so much so that I felt I would lessen the burden if I wasn’t here. I went through great psychological trauma, and couldn’t express it.

However, the confusion continued when I started getting compliments maybe only a year later. I truly believed that the people saying nice things about me were ridiculing and tormenting me and abusing me further with their mockery. But they weren’t. It didn’t make sense to me that I could go from being the ugliest girl ever to someone who was admired or thought of as pretty. I couldn’t handle or make sense of it, and it takes a very long time to unpick the lies we absorb as children.

The reason why I’m sharing this isn’t merely to provide insight into my story, but to help you with yours. You probably have some wounds caused by words that you still struggle not to believe are true. Were you called ugly, or stupid or worthless? Do the words make it true? Perhaps, like me you internalised them as being true, you felt the horrific feelings that went along with the pain of verbal abuse, and they all but wrecked you. But are they really true? Were they?

As an adult, it has taken me decades to make progress, but I feel I am getting there, and as I get stronger I want to help other people too.

Think back to the image of the baby I told you about. You need to believe that each and every baby is precious. So what happened? Did you and I turn into some kind of monstrous creatures as we grew up? Those words cut so deep and so many people were saying them that surely they were true? No, that’s one of the effects of abuse. The lies wound us and distort our self image, perception and sense of value. You might have heard the illustration that a £20.00 note (or whatever your paper currency is) doesn’t lose its value and worth just because it is crushed and crumpled. It isn’t any less valuable than a crisp new one from the bank. The same goes for you and I. The words are the crumpling, but they don’t determine our worth or our identity or our dignity as human beings.

You and I didn’t grow out of being beautiful, precious, lovable, special babies. We didn’t lose our value. The world told us lies and we believed them and have suffered from that. But our stories don’t need to end there.

Can you love that baby but not the child or adolescent? Why? Why are we like that as a society and individuals? No matter who you are or what you’ve done, you are precious. You are worthy in God’s sight, and no lie is of the truth.

You might think it strange to hear me say that we are in a ‘spiritual battle’, but we are. There is evil in this world, that seeks to steal, kill and to destroy. But Jesus Christ came to give us life in all its fulness. He can heal those wounds. It is knowing and believing the Truth that sets us free.

No matter what you look like, or your perceived intelligence levels, social status, or abilities, you are of incredible worth. You are precious, wanted and loved. No matter if you have never been told that by another human being, it’s how God sees you.

And even if you’re not at the point of believing that, just think of your worth as a person. Think of that precious baby. Only a very cruel and callous person hardened by the world and their own hearts could look at a baby and not see it as precious. So look kindly upon yourself, remember that that’s how you started out and the lies you have come to believe about yourself are just that – lies. You are lovable, forgivable, beautiful, worthy, incredible, and you deserve to live.

So grow strong in knowing the Truth. The lies are powerful, but not as powerful as the Truth, so just try to imagine how powerful that Truth actually is and what you can do with it when you share it with the world! No one said it would be easy, but my friend, your journey doesn’t end there. Nor does mine.

Let me leave you and I with some affirmations the truth about who we are:

 

I was born beautiful, lovely, unique, precious, lovable, one of a kind. I am and always have been special, worthy and full of potential. I can be forgiven, cleansed, cherished. I can overcome lies with the Truth. I can grow strong. Nothing can take away my worth as a human being, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.

I am and always have been beautiful, precious, fearfully and wonderfully made. This is the Truth of who I am and nothing and no one can take that away or change it. Maybe life has ‘crumpled’ me a bit, but it hasn’t taken away my value or intrinsic worth and it never will, even if for a while I believe the lies.

But no lie is of the Truth and the Truth of who I am is so much more powerful than any lie that has tried to defeat me or make me feel worthless. I am a human being, and I am precious, and I will live knowing my worth and being kind to and loving myself.

Have you been bullied? …

That’s a tough question. Not because you don’t know the answer, but because the answer may be very painful. I could write reams about this life issue, and about the longstanding effects, but I want to keep this short and write about just a couple of aspects, in the hope of reaching out to someone, somewhere who might be suffering with the effects of bullying, whether past or present. 

If you find yourself in the quagmire of  victimisation of any kind, particularly if this happened / is happening when you were / are young and haven’t had the years of growth through adulthood to build up any kind of resilience or more positive reference points (although bullying in adulthood can be severely impactful too), the chances are high that aspects of your identity have been bruised, broken, fragmented, belittled, crushed or torn apart in some way. It took me a long time, decades in fact, to begin to unpick the Truth that feeling horrible wasn’t the same as *being* horrible, unworthy, etc. Being victimised, abused in any way, whether that be physically, through cruel or careless words whether written or spoken, mental or psychological distress or whatever way one may be made to feel dehumanized by another person *feels* utterly wretched. Not only are there physical and psychological symptoms as a result of the stress, but also mentally and emotionally it just feels horrible. For a child, it is very difficult if not impossible to navigate being bullied in any objective kind of way. For example, when I was bullied as a child, cruel and horrible words came at me from a variety of different directions, I was physically overpowered and hurt by those physically stronger than me. Like a sponge, I simply absorbed what was being said about me, and because it seemed ‘everyone’ – even people who didn’t know each other – was saying the same cruel things, then it must be true….there must be something terrible about me to warrant me being treated that way….like many children, I interpreted the bullying as being in some way ‘my fault’ because I was deficient, not good enough in some way. The psychological distress and damage children face, even if or when bullying stops, can last decades and unfortunately for many, can eat away at most of one’s adult life, unless they find a way to release and process these thoughts, feelings and emotions, possibly with the help of a trained counsellor or trauma specialist, and begin to reframe their life’s narrative to be able to use their adverse childhood experiences for more positive outcomes. This can be gruelling work…but the human spirit and mind can overcome a great deal, by the Grace that carries us through. 

What I really want to say, to anyone going through such horrible experiences, and feelings about yourself, is that that is a completely normal reaction to unacceptable treatment. The bullying makes you *feel* horrible, but please, dear ones, and I say this for myself as well…that DOES NOT MEAN that you deserve to be treated that way. 

You are intrinsically valuable, important and special because you are you – because you are human, and are made valuable. There is nothing that can change your intrinsic worth – no feeling, no bad treatment, no judgements from others or negative self perception – NOTHING can ever diminish your worth. The fact that it all feels horrible, you feel horrible, doesn’t mean that you are not beautiful, special, worthy, unique, valued, and ultimately deeply LOVED…you are not here by accident, you are Created and loved, and you will always be valuable no matter what life experience may have told you otherwise. 

If you can begin to grasp that, then that may be the point when you begin to recover. Someday you will see that you are LOVED, Created and Loved, in the meantime try to learn that you are worthy, and please never give up. You’re amazing to have made it this far…keep faith in the transformation and healing that LIFE can bring. ❤ xx

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