Tag Archives: verbal abuse

Who needs friends like these?

I have a friend, and most people think she’s a lovely person. It can be hard to be honest about someone who is nice to most people, most of the time. But sometimes she’s not so nice to me. Generally speaking I have to admit that she’s very kind, caring, compassionate and understanding to the people she meets. She tries to encourage people, to help them and support them whenever she can, and although she is a quieter person, she does have a lot of close and trusted friends.

She’s had some rocky times in the past when people haven’t treated her too kindly, but for the most part she’ll admit that she does get her fair share of compliments. She’s known as intelligent and good at her work, she’s been noted for her kindness, and some people have called her slim, pretty or even beautiful. In some ways she’s pretty ‘ordinary’ and maybe some people overlook her, but she would admit that there are a fair few people who think well of her.

She sounds like a lovely person, doesn’t she? The kind of person I ought to be glad I have in my life.

The thing is, we’re pretty close. And sometimes sadly we’re most unkind to the people who are closest to us.

Sometimes she can be really encouraging to me too, like she is to all of her other friends. But on other days, when she’s maybe feeling a bit insecure about herself she’ll let me know it.

Today, she caught sight of me standing in a queue for lunch. She whispered to me that I looked a bit fat, that I’d put on weight. I tugged at my top and my clothes and tried to look at my reflection but it made me feel bad to see myself after hearing that remark even if nobody else heard what she said.

I had been in a fairly good mood before that, and even had some brief chats with people around me, but at that point I lost confidence and lowered my head as I waited for my lunch to be served. Why was I eating that? It’s true, I haven’t exercised for a few days, or maybe even a week. I worried about whether other people would think I looked fat as well and I wanted to hide, to not be seen, I had felt alright and slim this morning but now I just felt a bit down on myself.  I never used to have this problem, I always was the slim one. But now, what were people thinking of me? That I had put on loads of weight, or even a bit? I cringed to think that people might be thinking that way about me.

I don’t know why she chose to focus on my appearance that way when she could have said something nice like she does to everyone else. What’s so different about me? She’s called me ‘ugly’ in the past. And I’ve been left feeling like I was ‘gross’ or horrible. Why would she do that? And why would I go on thinking those negative things about myself? Why would someone who receives compliments from others, someone who is genuinely kind, caring and loving to everyone else be unkind to me? Why do I let her?

I suppose that’s what can happen when you’re close to someone. And the thing is the words may have come from somewhere, may have come from her past and her insecurities because people used to treat her badly, but now that she is seen as lovely, caring, kind and intelligent, why should she be unkind to me, even if it is an ‘off day’, even if those days are fewer and farther between nowadays?

What would you do if you had a ‘friend’ like that? What do you think I should do? I wonder if some of you might be thinking that it’s all well and good for her to be nice to everyone else, and she may be a really nice person, but why single me out? It’s a good question. You’d probably tell me to ‘ditch’ her, to let bad influences out of my life because I deserve better.

But I wonder if you really understand how difficult that can be? To let go of someone so close to you even if they do cause you hurt. Do any of you have a ‘friend’ like this in your life?

I need to give her credit though that she’s growing in self awareness as to how she sometimes talks to me. She has a lot of issues from her past because she was verbally abused  – a lot. I’m trying to help her realise that she didn’t deserve it, she was young, no one whatever their age or stage in life, their appearance or any other thing deserves to be verbally abused.

She gets that to a point which is why she’s so kind, caring and loving to everyone else. But there are days when she doesn’t extend that same kindness to me. You think it would be easy just to let her go, to cut her out of my life? Not really, we’ve been in each other’s lives literally forever, it’s easier said than done!

I can’t cut her out, that would be impossible. But I can try to educate her, to help her think about the ‘snap’ judgement words she sometimes uses about me, to help her to reflect on what impact this can have on my confidence, self esteem and worth. It might take time but I think we’ve been making progress. She has been learning to be kinder to me, and maybe she’ll be as kind to me as she is to everyone else someday.

You still think I should cut her out of my life? I can’t. She’s me.

time for change sign with led light
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Can anyone else relate to negative self-talk? If so, what do you do to overcome it? Let’s learn to be ‘our own best friends’. x

The Wounds of Words, and Learning to Love Yourself…

adult alone anxious black and white
Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com
affection baby baby girl beautiful
Photo by J carter on Pexels.com

 

We all need mental resilience to make it through this life. For some of us, this has been a great battle when it comes to our self perception.

Once upon a time, you were born, a precious, adorable, beautiful and wonderful little baby, full of hope and promise. Perhaps like me, you are blessed to be loved by parents who wanted you. Yet, even if you sadly didn’t have that love, there is absolutely no doubt whatsoever about the fact of the miracle of your birth, the wonder of your life, and any person of sound mind and heart would declare the truth that you were born a precious, loveable, beautiful little baby, worthy of love, and to be cherished, regardless of the hand in life or circumstances you were dealt.

Each and every baby, every life is precious, no matter how it came to be. That includes you.

However, somewhere along the way, life got tricky, it got complicated, and we got hurt. Those who were meant to protect us either didn’t or couldn’t and we were wounded. I’d like to focus here specifically on one aspect of wounding or abuse (as this is such a vast topic, I couldn’t do it justice to try to explore in one post all the different ways we can be hurt in this life) – that of words.

Perhaps like many of you, the wounds of words came early in childhood, and consequently caused a great distortion in self image, feelings of worth and confidence. If you have suffered the wounding words of childhood, adolescence and even adulthood, it can be hard to differentiate the effects of those wounds from the truth of who you are. It can be a life long journey. I know.

Perhaps you are stuck in a time, or feeling the reeling pain from memories where you might have been labelled with cruel words such as: ugly, stupid, fat, disgusting, loser, loner, nobody, outcast, dog, pot ugly, idiot, geek, weirdo, or whatever it may have been.

At a formative age, we don’t know the difference between who we are and what we are told about ourselves. I have as a young child, a teenager and an adult been told that I was pretty, lovely, beautiful, etc. However, there was a time in my life growing up that I believed and felt that I was too ugly and disgusting and repulsive to even be alive. I was called ugly, black *****, pot ugly, dog, etc. I was also physically hit and hurt by bullies at school, but that’s another story, I’m just focusing on words for now.

The words literally broke me. I felt repulsive, like a monster, sick to my stomach and I felt like my poor mum had to live with a monster for a daughter, I felt too ugly and worthless to be on this planet, so much so that I felt I would lessen the burden if I wasn’t here. I went through great psychological trauma, and couldn’t express it.

However, the confusion continued when I started getting compliments maybe only a year later. I truly believed that the people saying nice things about me were ridiculing and tormenting me and abusing me further with their mockery. But they weren’t. It didn’t make sense to me that I could go from being the ugliest girl ever to someone who was admired or thought of as pretty. I couldn’t handle or make sense of it, and it takes a very long time to unpick the lies we absorb as children.

The reason why I’m sharing this isn’t merely to provide insight into my story, but to help you with yours. You probably have some wounds caused by words that you still struggle not to believe are true. Were you called ugly, or stupid or worthless? Do the words make it true? Perhaps, like me you internalised them as being true, you felt the horrific feelings that went along with the pain of verbal abuse, and they all but wrecked you. But are they really true? Were they?

As an adult, it has taken me decades to make progress, but I feel I am getting there, and as I get stronger I want to help other people too.

Think back to the image of the baby I told you about. You need to believe that each and every baby is precious. So what happened? Did you and I turn into some kind of monstrous creatures as we grew up? Those words cut so deep and so many people were saying them that surely they were true? No, that’s one of the effects of abuse. The lies wound us and distort our self image, perception and sense of value. You might have heard the illustration that a £20.00 note (or whatever your paper currency is) doesn’t lose its value and worth just because it is crushed and crumpled. It isn’t any less valuable than a crisp new one from the bank. The same goes for you and I. The words are the crumpling, but they don’t determine our worth or our identity or our dignity as human beings.

You and I didn’t grow out of being beautiful, precious, lovable, special babies. We didn’t lose our value. The world told us lies and we believed them and have suffered from that. But our stories don’t need to end there.

Can you love that baby but not the child or adolescent? Why? Why are we like that as a society and individuals? No matter who you are or what you’ve done, you are precious. You are worthy in God’s sight, and no lie is of the truth.

You might think it strange to hear me say that we are in a ‘spiritual battle’, but we are. There is evil in this world, that seeks to steal, kill and to destroy. But Jesus Christ came to give us life in all its fulness. He can heal those wounds. It is knowing and believing the Truth that sets us free.

No matter what you look like, or your perceived intelligence levels, social status, or abilities, you are of incredible worth. You are precious, wanted and loved. No matter if you have never been told that by another human being, it’s how God sees you.

And even if you’re not at the point of believing that, just think of your worth as a person. Think of that precious baby. Only a very cruel and callous person hardened by the world and their own hearts could look at a baby and not see it as precious. So look kindly upon yourself, remember that that’s how you started out and the lies you have come to believe about yourself are just that – lies. You are lovable, forgivable, beautiful, worthy, incredible, and you deserve to live.

So grow strong in knowing the Truth. The lies are powerful, but not as powerful as the Truth, so just try to imagine how powerful that Truth actually is and what you can do with it when you share it with the world! No one said it would be easy, but my friend, your journey doesn’t end there. Nor does mine.

Let me leave you and I with some affirmations the truth about who we are:

 

I was born beautiful, lovely, unique, precious, lovable, one of a kind. I am and always have been special, worthy and full of potential. I can be forgiven, cleansed, cherished. I can overcome lies with the Truth. I can grow strong. Nothing can take away my worth as a human being, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.

I am and always have been beautiful, precious, fearfully and wonderfully made. This is the Truth of who I am and nothing and no one can take that away or change it. Maybe life has ‘crumpled’ me a bit, but it hasn’t taken away my value or intrinsic worth and it never will, even if for a while I believe the lies.

But no lie is of the Truth and the Truth of who I am is so much more powerful than any lie that has tried to defeat me or make me feel worthless. I am a human being, and I am precious, and I will live knowing my worth and being kind to and loving myself.