Better than before….?

Your ‘best self’?

Have you ever experienced a difficult season in life where you felt you longed to go back to who you were before? Or at least a version of yourself when you were doing well in the past (acknowledging that in all likelihood you would have had past seasons of difficulty too, just as we all face ups and downs as human beings throughout the journey of life).

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Looking Back:

As some of you who read my blog may know, after 2 years of being extremely careful and respectful of all rules, etc during the pandemic and lockdowns, I caught Covid-19 in October 2022, and then ended up with ‘long-Covid’ which in many ways is similar to ME / CFS and have been gradually and steadily recovering, with many tough times in between, and although I’ve made significant improvements which I’m so grateful for, I’m not up to the fitness that I was in my pre-long-Covid days – but I have learned a lot through the process which is really what this post is about. That being said, many years ago I also had a ‘system shutdown’ where my body had gone through so much stress that I was in a state of fight/flight and not able to function that well and the body’s natural protective system stepped in and shut me down physically in some ways as I had to process through some tough things emotionally that I had been holding together for a long time in survival mode.

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I persevered through those tough times and was travelling, walking long distances, helping other people in various ways, and I was living a thriving version of myself. The last time I travelled was at the end of 2019 just before the pandemic and lockdowns struck. I managed to blog a lot during this time, especially with regards to helping others who might be suffering with mental health, and sharing my faith in Jesus, as well as sharing creative things. I finished writing a novel that I had been working on for several years and a short collection of creative prose and I self-published these on Amazon and got copies printed for friends and family, it was a goal I had been working towards for many years, to be a ‘published’ writer, and one I accomplished during the lockdowns. I kept my flat immaculately, and I worked full time from home and exercised daily and kept productive and built up my faith through study and prayer.

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It was not all plain sailing however, and I struggled a lot with loneliness and other stressful issues, stress and anxiety as the months and then years progressed and my brain / amygdala going into overdrive of fearful things from past and imagined threats of the future as many of you may also have experienced. This took a toll on my nervous system. So while ‘getting back to normal’ after lockdowns I did in some ways adapt well and enjoyed the freedoms, but my nervous system and brain / body weren’t in a state of calm and I needed to rest a lot – but society seemed to have just pushed everyone back to as ‘normal’ as possible and so many around me just managed to easily get back into things – perhaps their experiences of lockdown were easier. So perhaps when I got Covid-19, the anxiety I was facing along with past experiences of anxiety and complex PTSD and long term stress may have been contributing factors to why it hit me so hard – who knows – there are many variables and unknowns but research and experience of people who are overcoming or living through conditions such as long-Covid, ME / CFS that a hypersensitised nervous system can be a big contributing factor in keeping people in this state of being chronically unwell. I have had many good days as well as struggles, and I wanted so much to ‘get back to’ my former thriving self, a lovely person who cared for the needs of others, who contributed, who was creative and even by some admired. I often try to ‘flatten out’ the rough bits of life, of thoughts and feelings and difficult experiences, by focusing on the positive and there is a place for that, but there is also a place for accepting the reality of how things are and growing through them.

Long-Covid had a big impact on me initially. I thought I’d recover in a few weeks, but the weeks dragged on and I hit the official 12 week period for ‘long-Covid’ in the UK, and continued to remain unwell for several months, my body being all but completely shut down and in a state of extreme stress, fatigue, fear and exhaustion. I was also isolated during much of this time which didn’t help with the fear of what was going on and the mental stress and neurological impact of what my brain was doing which was very frightening at times. I was barely able to leave my bed for the first few months, I was signed off work for a few months, then went back to working from home. It took me time to learn to sit up again, to walk from room to room, I’d get exhausted making food or doing simple things in my flat to survive and would have to lie down for hours. I missed walking so much, but it was early days and I thought over time I’d recover. I was encouraged to ‘plan, pace and prioritise’ to manage energy reserves and not to shock my already stressed and panicked nervous system that had taken a hit from long-Covid and hadn’t bounced back. Writing all of this it just brings back to me how far I have come – I couldn’t have dreamed of writing blog posts in those days, barely able to survive or concentrate, and I had to retrain my system to handle simple life tasks – showering, sitting up, eating, standing, walking without my heart racing – by walking I mean a few steps at a time, then gradually going outside for 5 or 10 minutes at a time, and so forth. I began working from home, and they tried to phase me back into 2 days working from the office but I’d end up ‘crashing’ with Post Exertion Malaise (PEM) or post exertion symptom exacerbation as some call it. It was a rough time, neurologically and mentally it was very frightening. I hope that if someone is going through something like this they can hold on to hope for progress. I am not ‘back to normal yet’, but since those early days I have gone back to working full time from home, I am able to go out occasionally for walks and have a nice place to sit not far from where I live and overlook some water (although not a beach as I’m in the city, it is still lovely on a nice day), I’ve managed to see friends from time to time. I still experience ‘set backs’, crashes or adjustment periods, but I have learned so much and I have hope for further recovery. I am able to sit up and blog, I play my violin from time to time and have done some ‘adult colouring in’ for a few minutes here and there and am now blogging. This is all from not being able to do any of this before without system melting down, going into stress, fight/flight and anxiety, and becoming stressed, tearful and overwhelmed, but slow and steady I have made progress and am moving gratefully forwards despite the up and down days (one of the scariest parts is that the amygdala is so overactive and sensitised that you can sit in a completely safe place while your own brain scares you and things feel so unreal and detached from the safe present reality you’re in with images and fearful ‘brain stuff’ as part of the recovery process / condition). I know of people who have not been able to leave their homes for 4 years so I am very grateful and go through my days thanking God for all the ‘little’ things that it’s so easy to take for granted. The journey hasn’t been easy and it isn’t plain sailing yet, but that’s what I want to come to about growth.

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There’s no going back….

It’s easy to want to wear those rose-tinted glasses. But life isn’t all plain sailing and we need to learn to ride those waves, even when it feels our own brains are working against us, when in reality they are just on high alert for any and every threat and trying to do their job of keeping us safe by presenting all sorts of possible fears to us. Chronic conditions where fatigue is a big part of the story and physically we shut down are and can be really tough, but as I have learned are also an opportunity for growth. In my difficult days, after having moved forwards considerably but still not ‘back to normal’ (and I’m still working towards full health recovery, but I have hope I’ll get there and be stronger as I have heard so many recovery stories) and experiencing ‘crashes’ after trying to do something ‘normal’ or what would have been easy for me before this happened such as a short walk, in those days I would long for going back to the healthy, thriving, happy, lovely version of myself that I’d had at various times in different seasons even though I had been through many tough times in between too. I would think to my immaculate flat that I was no longer able to keep up with, finding it hard to do the simple things, and think back to that adventurous, carefree me reaching out to others, spending time with friends, even though I had anxiety, etc. I missed that version of myself and my life. I missed it also because there were some people telling me that you just have to learn to live with and manage this condition, and this is largely what I have been doing, but I am making progress – but it was so disheartening to hear that. In such a state, you’d want to ‘go back’ to a happier, healthier self. I’ve had to learn some ‘Acceptance and Commitment Therapy’ in managing stress responses, accepting present reality, and sitting with difficult emotions, brain experiences, thoughts and feelings, all of which is part of being human. But we can’t go back. Not everyone’s journey is the same, in fact, no one’s journey is the same, everyone has choppy waters from time to time, and for some with long-Covid / ME / CFS they have been suffering for many years, and some for decades.

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So, if we can’t go back, then we must go forwards….

This journey, even though tumultuous at some times, and even though I am still working towards full recovery, has taught me so much. It has opened my eyes to the suffering of many other people and I can relate to this having been living through it, even though when people see me I look as well and vibrant as ever on the good days, there is much behind the scenes that others are still going through. It has made me grateful for every day blessings, and made me more prayerful. I have learned the human body and mind are incredibly resilient, and the brain is deeply complex and we need to learn to over-ride unhelpful programmes that run automatically and that put us into fight/flight. I have listened to many recovery stories and seen how people have turned their own difficulties around to help so many others, people like Raelan Agle or Jan Rothney or so many others getting the word out there about recovery and how we can work on our mind/body to become more resilient and calm.

So I am able in this point in time to ‘accept’ that I can’t go back to my former self. But through this journey, blessings have been added to me, I have new friends, I have the care of old friends who have been on the other end of a phone to talk to me in difficult times, and I am learning that I can build up resilience and core strength. I have been able to pray for so many other people who I haven’t even met who are going through similar things. I have found incredible inspiration online from people who have gone through adversity and are living incredible lives now, and even in our times of being unwell we are still being incredibly resilient. The anxiety and stress part and difficult thoughts and neurological symptoms are one of the hardest parts to deal with as well as the fatigue, but through acceptance and commitment therapy over a few phone sessions I have been learning to sit with these and accept this human experience rather than just wanting to fast forward or skip back to the good times. I am able to accept because I have hope that I will not only improve that one day I will thrive again. Even writing this blog post, sitting up, enjoying the moment, reaching out to other people, even this is ‘thriving’ right here and now.

Hope

Hope is such a powerful and necessary thing. I can accept that I can’t go back because I believe that who I will become going forwards will be even stronger than who I have been before. Yes, there are difficult things and challenges, but I have been learning about finding core strength, not physically, but emotionally and mentally, and learning how to work with my own brain and to find a calmer way of being and calming down my system, so I don’t want to go back to a state of stress. I am learning about holding on to key truths through this time. As mentioned before, my faith in Jesus Christ is my anchor – well, not my faith itself, but He Is my anchor, He holds me through it all, and reading and re-reading psalm 23, I am able to take in Truths that will overtime continue to shape my thinking to correctly align me to the Truth and help me be solid and live the rest of my life looking up with faith. I have listened to so many stories of people who have recovered and their lives have got better, they have realised that they can gradually and gently retrain their systems and get stronger, and that is my hope for me too and to reach out to others. I have hope that I will continue to learn and grow and walk by faith and even though I don’t know what this will look like, I will have something lasting to give, I will be able to bring my offerings before my Creator and watch Him transform weakness into strength for His glory and eternal purposes. I will be better able to withstand what is to come and walk in truth and be a better version of myself, stronger, less anxious, knowing that I had to go through so much to learn all these things. I don’t know what the road ahead will look like, but I will take each small step, respecting my body and mind, knowing that the difficult moments will pass, and being more focused on Christ and able to reach out to help others. Even this blog post, if it helps someone, then something good will have come from this.

I have seen stories of people who are doing amazing things physically as well as from a deeper place of their own human experience after going through these challenges, so while I can’t get back to some former thriving experience of myself, I will move forwards into something deeper, richer, stronger, better, learning each day about how to build up that core resilience – I may not be ‘there’ yet, but I’m certainly learning so much and have a deeper faith in Jesus and His eternal purposes, and a deeper understanding of the needs of the human system for calm and that we are also resilient and can grow and change as we are transformed by the renewing of our minds, and through rest and gentle recovery.

I hope that this may give someone out there hope. ❤

I will be better than before…..as I journey on, I don’t know how, but that is the treasure from difficult experiences. Growth.

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Perseverance ….and pacing.

Feeling unsettled?

The past few years have turned many people’s lives upside down. And even when circumstances have been fine, some people have found that their inward experiences of being human have been shaken up. I myself experience anxiety, stressful thoughts and an over sensitive amygdala that easily puts me into ‘fight and flight’. Many people have felt unsettled in terms of mental and brain health, especially going from times of isolation and uncertainty to regaining a sense of ‘normality’ in terms of life post-pandemic restrictions, only to be thrown into a greater state of uncertainty with changes on a global level with wars and mass suffering. You wouldn’t be alone in feeling like things are up-ended in your own life and across the world. Many people around you, and perhaps you yourself, may be thriving, but I think it would be fair to say that the majority of people go to bed or wake up with unsettling thoughts and feelings and if you don’t, then count yourself very blessed.

On a personal level, I have been overcoming long-Covid which not only affects levels of fatigue and activity, cognition and concentration, but also neurologically and mentally it causes heightened stress, anxiety and can feel quite frightening. So it is wonderful to be able to sit up and type this blog post.

What can you do?

A lot of life is about just doing that next one thing. Living in day tight compartments and taking one day at a time. We may have found ourselves in situations where we would like to plan but plans have gone awry, and you just have to live in the reality of the moment that you are in. Recovering from long-Covid teaches many life lessons. Appreciating and being thankful for the moment, accepting that there are things in our bodies and brains and nervous systems that mean that our experience of being human can be tough and frightening sometimes and learning to ride out those moments, allowing them to pass – it’s a tough thing to learn to sit alone with uncomfortable thoughts and feelings and if you have suffered from heightened anxiety or mental health issues then you’ll know that this can feel quite scary. But thoughts and feelings are just that, they will pass, they are not reality.

Have an anchoring thought to get you through.

All through the day we experience thousands of thoughts, images, ‘memories’ and sensations passing through our minds. People with anxiety or intrusive thoughts find it more difficult not to be affected by these, especially in times of fatigue or stress or ill health or isolation. We’ve been conditioned to feel that staying at home is safe and while many may have bounced back into life in the ‘real world’ there are still many others whose nervous systems are struggling as much as we want to get back into life. While we may wake up feeling like we can’t face the day and our minds want to crush us into staying in bed where it feels safer, it helps to have a positive and anchoring phrase that we can use throughout the day to keep going, to over-ride those negative thoughts bombarding us.

It also, as long-Covid has taught me, and is teaching me, helps not to compare with others who are doing the things we want to be able to do, and it also helps to rest when we need to rest and reset so that gradually, bit by bit, we can regain mental and physical strength to keep going. One step at a time.

Being alone in your mind.

I find that isolation can cause the mind to play so many tricks, and we ‘experience’ our thoughts and mental experiences as if they are reality, and sometimes feel like we need to ‘fix’ things inside our heads, and that’s a part of rumination. It helps to be able to have an outward focus, and I’m gradually beginning to regain strength to be able to focus on things like working from home, and home-keeping (and allowing myself to focus on what I can do rather than feel bad about what I haven’t done yet), writing blogs, connecting with others, and studying again. If you are facing a battle in your mind know that you are certainly not alone. For me, I need to remind myself that faith looks upwards and outwards. While there may be times in our lives when our systems just break down and we need to address difficult life experiences and work through them, for the most part it is more healthy to be looking outwards and that can be difficult when we are alone with our minds. To learn both to sit with our minds and increase our tolerance of discomfort with anxiety and our thoughts and feelings but also to move forwards and to do something meaningful. That may be taking the smallest of steps, and continuing on to build resilience. Focusing on your path rather than being swallowed up with all the stress of the world.

Finding Peace and Purpose.

Life in this world can be unsettling. Yet you can take small steps each day to look after yourself, body and mind. And to find moments of joy in this life’s journey with all its ups and downs.

Real Peace and healing, however, I believe can only come from being connected with Jesus. There were times before I had this saving grace where outwardly I was successful, my life desirable to others, people even told me that they admired me or wished to be me, but inside as many of you know in your own experience there was pain and brokenness that all the externals could not touch. I searched and searched, and eventually turned from my own ways to look to Jesus, to choose Him and He came into my life in a most miraculous way and I felt joy and peace and love like I had never known before. I also experienced times of immense trials and battles for the first few years immediately following my ‘Salvation’ experience with Jesus Christ, but I persevered with Him, as tough as it was, and now, in my marrow, in my bones, in my very Spirit I have a Peace inside even when I feel unsettled in body or mind, as I draw close to God. I believe that this is what we are all searching for, yearning for, and many don’t even realise it, looking in all sorts of places to find this Peace, or self-destructing if we can’t. These streams of Living Water for the soul, this Love and forgiveness and deep cleansing and healing – it is very real, and Jesus Is the only way to know this true and everlasting Peace.

I share this because I believe it is of utmost importance eternally, and no one knows how long they have on earth, but eternal separation from God is not worth playing roulette over. The times are rapidly changing and I believe there will be an outpouring of blessing on people as God’s love beckons more and more people to repentance and to this saving relationship with Him, but I also believe that the world will become more and more unsettled over time, as there is a spiritual darkness, and how much we need the Light!

Wherever you are today, I hope you find some direction in these words, and I hope that you find some rest in your day as you move forwards, remembering both the importance of perseverance and pacing, and in the hope that ultimately you find true and lasting Peace. ❤ x

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Small steps and glimmers of light….

I believe that many people ‘out there’ and perhaps some among you are struggling with mental health, anxiety, depression, anxious, worriesome and intrusive thoughts in a “post-pandemic” world. And what can make this feel all the harder is that it can seem that everyone around you has it together, that other people have bounced back and are doing just fine and aren’t having troubles with their mind, heart and emotions. Our minds can be very distorted, disruptive and confusing places, and personally I find that the Word of the Living God sheds Light into my mind, and I need this on a daily basis. I watched a programme last night regarding the mental health crisis among children and teenagers following the lockdowns of the previous few years as they struggle to reintegrate into mainstream education. It’s hardly surprising that if adults are finding things challenging then how much more must children and young people. Yet I was encouraged by the approach of some of the support workers who sought to help these youngsters and wanted to share some words of encouragement for any of you out there who may need it too, even as I seek to apply these positive steps to my own life as mental health can be a daily challenge for many of us.

There was one particularly bright young teenager who had done well previously in school, and yet after the pandemic she had daily panic attacks, was crippled by anxiety, fear and intrusive suicidal thoughts, feeling like a dark cloud was following and even consuming her. She had gone through quite a lot and was overwhelmed by it all. Her support worker helped her to see that even if she couldn’t get rid of the cloud, she could, in those better moments, begin to focus on the ‘glimmers of light’ that shone through, and to focus on those small moments, step by step, allowing them to add up, and allowing for the ‘ups and downs’ of her mind, body and emotions. Gradually the spark began to return to this young lady, as she found mental and physical ways to focus on the positive and be present in the moment.

Sometimes we wake up and can feel consumed by anxiety, confusing or fearful thoughts, as our minds take us away from the here and the now that we are living in, and we can panic feeling like we don’t know how to find a way out. In those times, look for the little glimmers of hope. Even if it is managing to get yourself up and dressed, that is a positive. I have been setting myself a timer to do small tasks as I continue to recover from long-Covid, and when my mind is unsettled, I look for the glimmers, to be present and thankful, to take a break to do some breathing, to read the Word of God and lift my eyes and let the True Light shine into my soul. And sometimes while many of us seek to get stronger after an unsettled few years, we can focus on the day, the moment we are in. We can focus on the task at hand, even if for a few moments, and then take a break. We can seek to reach out to others, whether connecting personally, or through a blog post, or in some other way. And that will leave a ripple effect. Know that you are not alone. Your mind may feel overwhelming, but take a few minutes, just to settle, to do the task at hand, to do something you enjoy and be present in it. Let your thoughts and worries subside, even if but for a moment, and know that as you continue, you, we will build up our resilience, step by step, little by little, day by day as we let those glimmers of light in, dispelling the dark clouds, until the True Light shines over us, in and through us, allowing us, even in our weakness to shine a light and be a way forwards, a beacon of hope perhaps to those around us. Your fear or anxiety may not go away completely or all at once, but little by little you can find relief and strength and eventually joy. I continue to cling to my Hope, my Lord Jesus Christ as the Light Who dispels all darkness, fear and lies. We all need hope, what brings you hope, understanding or help as you journey through life? x

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Anchors

In this world that is ever confusing, changing, distorting and uncertain, we all need to anchor ourselves to something. At the depths of who we are we need to anchor ourselves to something True. And yet, society offers so many ‘alternatives’ to the truth that people try to cling to in order to find hope, safety and security and meaning in life.

What are you seeking to hold on to to help you?

From beginning to end, the Bible is full of ‘beginnings’ – the beginning before space and time existed, God, the only uncreated One always has been. He declares that ‘I AM’ the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. In the epistle of 1st John, the writer declares of Jesus Christ: “That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked upon, and our hands have handled, of the Word of life; For the life was manifested, and we have seen it, and bear witness, and shew unto you that eternal life, which was with the Father, and was manifested unto us; That which we have seen and heard declare we unto you, that you also may have fellowship with us; and truly our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son Jesus Christ.”

The writer expresses that Jesus, Who was from the beginning also was someone that the writer and many others witnessed first hand, touched, lived along side, listened to, as He dwelt on earth. He Is the beginning and the end, the Word made flesh Who dwelt among us, and Who will return. He Is my anchor. He holds me fast even when I falter.

What do you anchor yourself to? x

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Mental relief

If you experience anxiety or mental distress in any form, and are to some extent aware that what you are experiencing is stress, anxiety, depression, or distressing thinking, then there can be things you can do to relieve your distress.

One of the key things to realise is this is part of the human condition, and while on the surface it may seem like most people around you have it ‘sorted’, that’s often not the case. Statistics show that mental health issues are in fact very common, and particularly in light of the distress of the past few years, many more people are opening up the conversation about mental distress. Because our brains can be quite random and confusing in what they ‘produce’, the sense of self blame can add to the distress of going through periods of poor mental health. We can’t just remove the ‘stuff in our heads’, but we can re-write and override whatever is happening up there, and learn to ‘take our thoughts captive’.

So, what can you put in your ‘toolkit’ to help you in times of stress or distress?

• Perhaps one of the most helpful things we can do is learn about what we are experiencing. To learn to understand that some of this is simply chemical reactions in your brain, while there may also be other causes. For example ‘anxiety’ is a catch all phrase that some people who don’t experience it as a mental health condition may think of in ‘simply’ physical terms – a racing heart, feeling shaky, or breathless, dizzy or lightheaded, etc. But someone who suffers from anxiety as a mental health condition also knows that this can be extremely distressing mentally in terms of the thoughts, feelings, images, sensations that your brain throws up, whether that be of past memories, traumatic events, self-condemning words, scary scenarios or intrusive thoughts, etc. Before understanding what’s going on, to experience such things can be highly distressing and one might think they’re losing their mind when in fact these are ‘normal’ reactions of the brain in a heightened amygdala / fight/flight response. So, know that you’re not alone, brain activity is not your fault, as distressing as it may be, and there are explanations as to what is going on in your mind / body, and there is help out there.

• Leading on from this, remember that you can get help. There are people and professionals who know what is going on, and who can help you or refer you to get the support you need. In a post-lockdown / pandemic world, the stigma is reduced with more and more people realising that the stress our brains have been under during the past few years is affecting millions of people across the world. Ask for help, don’t suffer alone.

• Know what ‘triggers’ you. There may be a variety of things that set the ‘alarm bells’ ringing in your brain, or that can cause you to be in an unhealthy frame of mind whether that be rumination, unhealthy thought patterns or getting lost in the world inside your head to the detriment of your real life. Some things to consider may be the input you are consuming from the media or social media, times of isolation, conflict, a heavy work load, feeling stressed and so forth. Think of what you can do to reduce these triggers. For example, be more mindful in what you take in and spend your time doing, try to connect with other people or get fresh air, try to get help with stressful situations, or find ways to relax and manage the various pressures in your life and create space for yourself without avoiding things that keep you going forwards in life. Remember to eat and drink healthily too.

• As well as managing triggers, try to think of things that will help you in times that might seem like ‘crisis’. Can you remind yourself that ‘this too will pass’ so that you don’t get lost inside your messy mind and feelings? Try to find positive distractions of things you can occupy yourself with doing, whether that be calling a friend, going out for a walk, mindfully making something to eat, writing a blog post, reading, watching a film that will uplift you, doing something to relax, spending time doing some deep breathing and becoming aware of the present moment or doing something creative.

Remember that you’re not alone, you are not the mental events happening in your brain – everyone struggles from time to time, and sometimes that can be quite tough, but remind yourself of positive experiences, or if you can’t try to create some new ones, and remember that you are unique, valuable, and important no matter what that messy mind is telling you. As you manage more, you will be able to use what you learn to help other people too. Take care, and know that you’re not alone in this human experience. x

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Focus

Life can teach us different things in its various seasons. The past few years have certainly taught us all a lot, yet now people’s paths and experiences seem quite divergent one from another. Some seem to be thriving in their post-lockdown lives, while others are struggling to keep going. To everything there is a season.

I’ve been learning a variety of lessons in this season of mine. As some of you might know, I’ve been overcoming the challenges of Long-Covid since last October. I had been making a fair bit of progress, although far from being at the level of activity I was before, and then recently I had a relapse / flare up and it felt quite scary, and I was concerned I might be back at ‘square one’. A Long-Covid flare up can be frightening because of the way it impacts on your autonomic nervous system – fight flight is at an extreme level, thoughts and brain activity can be very distressing (although people with Long-Covid have a variety of different experiences), and many people at the height of their symptoms struggle with suicidal thoughts. Long-Covid is a dysautonomia – it affects the nervous system and remembering that ‘this too will pass’ is so crucial in the height of a severe flare up. So, recently, after doing a bit more activity (even though this would not have been much in ‘normal’ times), I ended up back in bed, with these heightened physiological and neurological responses, feeling intensely distressed and anxious. Thankfully, since then I’ve been able to somewhat fast track the progress of the past 10 months into one month or so, regaining most of what I had to relearn then, such as sitting up, working from home, pacing activity, breathing, starting to walk again, so although I still have Long-Covid and am not where I was before, I’m once again able to do things that keep me going day to day, and had the blessing of being able to go for a walk in the fresh air quite recently after one month – previously I had to work up to that after several months – so that is quite wonderful. The mental distress that can come along with these symptoms and anxiety generally can be quite challenging. But one thing I’ve had to learn and re-learn on this journey, as with life, is Focus. What we focus on tends to expand. While our brains may be throwing up all sorts of distressing, confusing or upsetting things as part of anxiety in an attempt to ‘keep us safe’, we need to ride out those neurological experiences, remember that they are just symptoms and press forwards to do the next thing, whether that is taking rest, sitting up, taking a step outside, gradually re-setting our nervous system and calming our amygdala response.

So, back to focus. It’s so easy to focus on the distressing symptoms or experiences of life. The negative experiences, feelings, memories. It’s part of our brains way of trying to keep us safe, so we are in a sense in a battle with our own brains. It’s also, I believe part of our ‘fallen natures’. Yet, in recovery, we need to learn to focus on the positive. To celebrate even the small wins. To appreciate each little thing we can do, rather than focusing only on the distressing experiences. To celebrate being able to sit up and enjoy a beautiful view, to appreciate being able to eat food, to taste and enjoy it when other people may not be able to. To be thankful for being able to walk when other people cannot, for being able to see, to communicate, to write, to cook a meal again. To appreciate the extraordinary in the ordinary. The moments of health amidst distress.

On another level, as a follower of Jesus Christ, I feel that God has been teaching me about Focus too. The need, in my dependency, and in my ability to focus on Him. On Christ’s death and resurrection, on Jesus as The ultimate Truth and Reality. As Christians, we are in a spiritual battle, we know that Light has triumphed over darkness, for there is none comparable to the Living God, yet in our humanness and frailty it can be easy to allow our gaze to drop from our Great God to our struggles. He understands our need, our weakness, our dependency on our Saviour. And so, in this season, I’m learning that I need to keep my focus, to stay in training, to lift my gaze. I’ve been thinking upon the verse for a while now, ‘This is the day that The LORD has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it’ from Psalm 118. It is a comfort on many levels, it is a Truth and admonition that can help my mind in times of trouble. To remind myself of my Creator and His care for me, to help me to focus on the day I am in, when my mind might be feeling anxious because of its imaginings of past or future, and to seek to focus on what is actually good in my present. And for anyone with anxiety, you know this is a challenge to say the least, because our brains seem to ‘have a mind of their own’. And indeed, the need to focus is a reminder that time and life is so short, that eternity awaits each and every soul, and that when and where I can as He leads I should share the good news that Jesus Christ Is the Saviour of the world, and that while the wages of sin is death – that we all in our fallen nature are under God’s judgement, that the free Gift of God Is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord – the beautiful Christ, Fully Man, Fully God incarnate, who never sinned, took upon Himself all of our sin and paid the price in full, taking the wrath of God upon Himself, for our freedom and forgiveness, for us to have Life in Him, if we but turn away from our sinful ways and accept such a lavish gift of grace.

So, in this bumpy journey of life, of Long-Covid, of being human, I am reminded that yes it can be challenging, but I can choose what to focus on, and realise that in doing so I have so much and so much to be thankful for. Our minds direct so much of our lives, and it can be, indeed it is a battlefield to take control of our thoughts, but having something to anchor our minds to can really help shift our focus and help us to keep moving forwards.

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Where are you in 2023?

I’ve been away for a while. Away from blogging that is. I guess I’m blogging a bit less frequently these days than I was during the pandemic lockdowns when I was writing a lot to try to encourage others and to find an outlet for some thoughts. Much of what I wrote was regarding mental health, and also faith.

It’s mid 2023, and I guess I ask ‘where are you?’ not in terms of your physical location, or endeavours, but perhaps in terms of your finding your way through life. If anything, the past few years have taught us that life is precarious, fragile, and our lives on earth can come to an end at any moment. It’s a hard thought that many have had to grapple with. We’ve also had to try to make sense of how to live our lives ‘in the valley of the shadow of death’ as it were. Yet, we’ve always been living in that valley, some of us have not been so aware of it. This earth is but a temporary lodging, and there is an eternity after this.

I ask ‘where are you?’ also as a way of posing that question to myself. I’m taking each day as it comes, thankful for progress in the long-Covid recovery journey, yet also seeking to be patient in not being where I’d like to be in terms of the things I once did so freely and easily like going on adventures or long walks. I can walk again, thankfully, and have been able to go on riverside walks from time to time, to see colleagues and friends at work, yet I also have to rest a lot, and take my time with things at home, and try not to get frustrated with the fight / flight and mental distress that is part of this season. It can be so easy to look around us and think that ‘everyone else’ has got it together, is thriving, is back to a more ‘normal’ kind of life and is able and capable in ways in which some of us might be struggling. And if you’re feeling that way, you’re not alone. The past few years have had challenges on our minds, our brains, our bodies and our nervous systems and it can be hard to adjust to that, with or without long-Covid recovery as part of the journey.

Mental distress:

If you’re facing mental distress, know that you’re not alone. You’re not the only one. While there may be some or many in your circle who seem to be thriving again, there are many more probably who are struggling and you can’t see the inner workings of each human mind. Our minds can be wonderful, creative places, our minds can turn to beautiful things, to worship, to praise, to contemplating the highest things of life and existence, to creating beauty and seeking out treasured pathways. Yet, our minds can also play tricks on us and weave tangled webs of fear, of lies, of insecurity and even tempt us to thoughts of the past, confusing voices or images of negative experiences and be enemies in our own heads tending to destruction even as we seek to survive and make the most of each day. It’s part of being human and the past few years have put many of us, especially those with anxiety, on a fight/flight mode where our minds in their efforts to keep us ‘safe’ can be the very means of our own limitations restricting our health, wellbeing and sometimes even our safety. Not all of us can ‘bounce back’ to be on an even keel of productivity everyday, and that’s ok. Our minds, as well as our bodies from time to time need a healthy dose of rest as well as activity and engagement.

Thinking of what is Pure:

I realise more and more that this world is not my home. I was created with a longing for purity, for something Perfect, for a place where the shadow of death and fear does not loom over us. This place is not wishful thinking, but Jesus Christ, Who rose from the dead and was manifest in bodily form after His resurrection spoke of the place He has gone to prepare for those who are His, those Who have the indwelling Spirit in them, who have sought forgiveness from Him and who are born of His Spirit. In this world, there is so much evil that even if you haven’t experienced it first hand, you will vicariously at some point, even if through the news. We are in a battle, a spiritual battle, and a battle for our souls and eternities, and our minds can either lead us towards or away from the Truth. Some day those in Christ will be in this perfect place, free from anxiety, worry, sin, fear, death, sickness or evil. He has won the victory at the cross. Yet there is also another eternity, of darkness and of the evil shut out of God’s presence, that in His Righteousness, He must judge. And in this life, in this broken and fallen world, we can lift our eyes and minds to think of Him. The One Who Is Pure and Perfect. We can turn our minds also to think of beautiful things in this life.

Seeking help, regardless of your beliefs:

Whatever you believe, there are things we can do to help us in our mental distress. One is to realise and accept that you are not the only one facing strange, weird, confusing or distressing thoughts, especially after the past few years of fear and anxiety. You are not alone in not feeling quite yourself. You are not the only one who hasn’t ‘bounced back’ to a vibrant and productive life. You’re not the only one who struggles to get out of bed, or to concentrate, or to be frustrated by the confusing tricks your mind plays on you. You’re not the only one whose mind tells you of failings whether true or completely fabricated, you’re not the only one whose mind thinks on suicide, or bombards you with distressing things in fight/flight mode or who tempts you to analyse past experiences or worry about the future. Many human beings experience mental distress of various forms, so a good starting point is to know you’re not alone, you’re not somehow flawed in a way that others aren’t and these chemical reactions in your brain do not define you.

Moving from one moment to the next:

It’s helpful to have an anchoring phrase to get you through difficult moments, like ‘this too will pass’. To have a ‘toolkit’ of things you can do in this season to help get you through. Things like staying connected with other people, staying present in the moment that you are in, seeking professional help with someone trained to be able to help with whatever you are going through, connecting with a community that can support and be there for you and having a safe place you can rest and recharge.

It is important to keep looking after yourself physically, eating well, getting enough sleep and getting outside if and when you can. To do things that can help you relax like being in nature, watching calming programmes or doing deep breathing exercises to calm your nervous system, and engaging with creativity if and when you can. We also perhaps need to set small goals and challenges to move out of our comfort zones and reintegrate into the things we might have done before or would like to do for the first time, to restore our sense of safety and capability once more. Perhaps none of these things apply to you and you are easily and readily ‘thriving’ again, or perhaps you are on some levels but on others need to rethink things to move forwards. As well as thriving in this life, we need to think of the brevity of our lives and whether we will be ready to meet our Creator, whether we have put our trust in Christ to take us safely through.

Don’t compare:

Our minds can often cause us distress in comparing our lives and our present realities with what we think we ‘should’ be like, what we once were, or what other people around us are like. But life ebbs and flows, and our mental health and our circumstances do too. ‘Comparison is the thief of joy’ as we all know, so take a moment to settle into the moment you are in, to be present and thankful and do something for your wellbeing in the here and now. Perhaps our minds will always be playing tricks on us to some extent, but we need to build up our resilience, our ‘toolkits’ and our means of moving through our days healthily. If you are struggling to do this, you are certainly not alone. Call out for help. Remember it is just one day at a time, one step at a time. Take time to rest your mind, and your brain as well as to engage it. Remember that this too will pass, and look for the bright moments in your day as well. I hope these ramblings have helped someone in some way, even as I myself seek an outlet for my complex mind.

Take care, and remember you are not alone. x

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Jigsaw Puzzle Pieces

Someone recently told me that looking after our mental wellbeing is a bit like piecing together a jigsaw. No one thing, or ‘piece’ can solve the puzzle, but overtime, having a range of different pieces can all help add up to our overall wellbeing, and I guess in some cases prevent crisis.

I know that mental health can be such a difficult thing, having gone through complex PTSD, depression, and ongoing anxiety. So, know that I’m not trying to simplify the complex nature of being a human and the difficulties you might be facing in life.

However, what could some of these jigsaw puzzle pieces be? For me, at the moment, I’m recovering from some health issues that mean I’ve only been able recently to go out for short walks again – this was something I’d do regularly to help my mental health. I’ve spent much of the time being isolated, and this has been hard because our subconscious mind chatters away and is not always very helpful, especially as with anxiety the amygdala likes to throw up negatives, be they ‘memories’, feelings, impressions, images, words, all sorts of stuff. It’s not fun, as some of you might now. Let me reassure you, you’re not alone.

So, my jigsaw puzzle pieces might consist of connecting to people on the phone or by email, getting that bit of fresh air when I can (oh, how blessed I am to walk again), eating well, getting rest, watching something positive, being kind to myself, playing my violin when I have the strength, writing an encouraging blog post, maintaining my work and not overdoing tasks that might make me tired.

At the moment, that feels a bit limited – I’m not able to do all the things I used to and the lack of social connection affects me. However, for the past few years since the pandemic started, I’ve held to a verse in Scripture, in the Psalms – ‘This is the day that The LORD has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it’. As humans, we find it very easy to live inside our heads, worrying about the future, ruminating about the past or getting confused by our subconscious minds. No matter what trauma we might have gone through, or are going through, there is still something in this day, in this moment that we can focus on and give thanks for, and that can help our brains focus on the good, which in turn helps with our mental health. We can realise that we still have breath, the gift of life. That we have bodies and minds, whatever they might be going through, they still ‘work’ to a degree. Today, I am grateful that I had a safe and warm place to sleep, food to eat, clothes to wear, the health to get up and do things for myself, the ability to walk again and go for a walk by the riverside even though it was a bit windy and rainy, the chance to watch my church online even though I can’t be in community with people at the moment, the chance to choose my thinking and retrain my mind, and work on focusing on the positives, clothes to wear, and being able to feel and look nice after having been unwell, people to reach out to to encourage, the Living Word to read. Knowing that in Jesus I am saved and secure and never alone.

I am aware that mental health is precarious, and that mine can be too. But this is just one little jigsaw puzzle piece that I share with you today, whatever your brain and mind might be doing or ‘telling’ you. Lift up your eyes, focus on something you can be thankful for, know that one puzzle piece won’t solve the whole puzzle but it can help alleviate your distress a little today. Today the sermon online was about the Peace that Jesus Christ gives to us, one that the world cannot give, and I am thankful that He has rescued me and lifted me from pain and darkness and self, and forgiven me and given me a future and hope in Him. Yes, I still struggle, but I can say that He Is my Peace, and He will hold me fast.

Perhaps that is our greatest need – to be known and loved and taken care of…eternally. I hope you find that you can have some comfort today, whatever puzzle pieces you are working with, and I hope you know that you are not alone. Many people are silently going through similar to what you are and ‘putting on a brave face’….but perhaps you need to reach out and tell someone, and that is a brave step in itself. I hope my ramblings might bring some comfort and help to someone out there. Peace. x

Hang in there (mental health post)

If you’re reading this blog post, chances are you have ups and downs with your mental health. The mind can be a tricky place. And not just the mind, but the brain itself. Realising there is a physical and biological aspect to mental health helps take away some of the stigma when we might feel like we ‘shouldn’t’ be struggling or suffering in our minds when we ‘ought to’ have control over our own thoughts. I’ve had this ‘argument’ with myself, but often our brains can do things we don’t want them to, especially in times of stress.

Thinking over my life, yes there have been times of stress, of trauma and mental overload and confusion, but there have also been great times and wonderful days feeling well, travelling (see my travel posts 🙂 ) even with anxiety, going out with friends, helping other people, serving in church, walks in the park, being part of community, and being liked, admired, respected by other people and achieving various goals. There have been days enjoying soaking up the beauty of being alive, of nature and connecting with God. Wondrous moments. Yet there are also days like today where I know I’m not 100% ok. I’d been pushing through anxiety and troubling thoughts to do various more positive things recently like going to work a couple of days in the office post-pandemic restrictions, going for walks and chats with friends, attending church and meeting new friends there and being able to help out, meeting up with good friends again. Some of those days have had the backdrop of anxiety but they still allowed me enjoyment. For the past month and a bit I’ve been recovering from Covid and post-Covid fatigue and it is impacting my mental health and brain health. I look at photographs to remind myself that my life is a beautiful life with a lot of blessings despite the times of stress or difficulties that I’ve experienced in various seasons. Yet my mind / brain can forget these things and bring up all sorts of ‘automatic negative thoughts’ – I think I’ve written about these ‘ANTS’ in previous blog posts – perhaps I’ll do a search to see if even I can find something helpful. When we’re ill and fatigued things can get a bit more difficult mentally especially if we’ve struggled in the past.

So why have I written the above? It’s to remind you that if you are in a dark or confusing moment that those are not the only moments you’ve had in life. This too will pass. You are a special, beautiful, worthy human being no matter what your brain is telling you, no matter what anyone else or any experience has told you. Our minds can be tricky and disorganised places and it can be difficult to pull ourselves up and out of the experiences of our own thoughts. Try to recall a time when you were in a better place or try to distract yourself by thinking on something good, true, lovely. Sometimes something as simple as watching a nature video can help, or talking to a friend or family member. It can be hard when we feel stuck to take that small step that cognitively seems huge to us, but just try a little at a time.

If you are in crisis, remember that it will pass. Don’t act on any troublesome thoughts but try to sit with those difficult feelings and if you can reach out to someone, even a helpline. Look at something that is positive rather than trying to ‘make sense of’ your confusing thoughts, although there may be a place for that when you are feeling better. Try to eat well, rest well and connect with people in some way. If you are able, go for a walk – I’m not able to go for a walk at the moment with the way my health is, but I often find that this helps to ‘clear my head’. I’m blessed to know that I have a loving Heavenly Father, and a Saviour Jesus Christ, and I know I’m never alone and can reach out to God any time, and am indwelt by His Spirit. This is a real comfort to me, as is turning to His Word and being reminded in Scripture that we can cry out to God, and that so many people experienced times of distress and that God rescued them from it. Even psalm 22 prophesies the intense distress that Jesus Christ would face on the Cross hundreds of years before the event. He knows, and He understands.

Despite the past seasons of darkness or trial, my life overall is a beautiful life, yet at times my mind tends to overwhelm me with unhelpful thoughts. If you’re struggling, you’re not alone, and it doesn’t have to last forever. No matter how bad your life might feel right now, there is hope. Ultimately, I would point you to Jesus Who has taken away my deep pain and Who forgives us and gives us a brand new life, gradually changing, cleansing, freeing us from within. There is hope for another day. Know that there are hundreds if not millions or more people across the globe right now whose brains are also struggling with the world we’re living in. Perhaps because of experiences, perhaps because of Covid, or ‘just because’….just because we’re human. It can be easy to look at others and think they’re doing great, and maybe they are but we can’t see beneath the surface or understand what’s really going on in someone’s mind. Most people would look at me and not have any idea that my brain can cause me distress but then I might look at them and assume the same. Wherever you are, just hang in there. Please. Know that it isn’t the end, there is light in the darkness and the thoughts tumbling upon you will clear. Thoughts are not reality but they can lead us in directions that can either help or harm us, so take a moment to consider dwelling on a different thought. Sometimes when you’re in the thick of it this can be difficult to do so an external input or distraction can help – this might be something you watch or read or talking to someone who can be a kind and supportive voice – or perhaps reading this blog post might, I sincerely hope, give someone a bit of perspective to hang on in there.

Don’t give up, dear friends, you’re not alone. Yes, our minds can cause us distress, but they can also be places of hope and of inspiration, faith, love and joy. That might feel like a million miles away from us at the moment but we can start with one thought at a time. For me, writing this blog post has helped engage another part of my brain, my mind, my thinking to steer me to a more helpful course, to seek to help someone else rather than getting lost in the automatic thoughts that my brain seems to throw at me from time to time, especially when feeling unwell physically. What might help you when you’re struggling? I’ve written in previous posts about having a ‘toolbox’ for mental health and self care, perhaps this is something we can have in reserve – strategies that are helpful – that we can go to and remind ourselves of on those more difficult days.

I hope that you’ve founds something helpful in this. Praying for you. Hang in there. Those thoughts, like clouds, will clear, and once again we’ll have brighter days. ❤

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Living it out…

I’ve been inspired recently by seeing Spirit filled believers living out their faith in love and in action, being as Jesus would have us be on earth, using their gifts and talents for His Glory and to love and serve other people. I’m most touched by the love and gentleness imbued in these actions and sharing of gifts and talents, whether these be people helping others in need or using their musical gifts to lead in worship.

Sometimes if I’m to be honest I can look to others and see their lives as fruitful and flourishing and pleasing to God, and perhaps not see myself in that way, even as I seek to live out my faith, but I am reminded that it Is God Who works in us to will and to do His good pleasure.

In Galatians 5: 22-23 we are told that the ‘fruit of the Spirit’ (that is the Holy Spirit indwelling believers) is love, joy, peace, longsuffering (patience), kindness, goodness, faithfulness,  gentleness, self-control. These are the beautiful qualities of Jesus Christ Himself, and in contrast to our fallen natures. That is not to say that people who don’t know Christ can’t be kind or loving, etc, as bearing the hallmarks of their Creator, but that the Spirit of Christ is the fullness of Love, joy, peace, etc. Spirit filled believers / followers of Christ also struggle against our fallen natures as God gradually changes our hearts from within to be more like Jesus.

I was reading this evening in James that ‘faith without works is dead’, and a few thoughts are coming together with regards to this. One is that God has created us uniquely and each person has different gifts and talents to use for His Glory, and God’s Spirit brings about unity and harmony among His people (when we are living lives surrendered to Him) as we live for Him rather than a sense of unhealthy comparison. So I can take heart that God Is using my life even if in different ways to others, and that I can look to the Giver of good gifts rather than the gifts themselves that I might admire in others. In 1 Corinthians, Christians are described as being the ‘Body of Christ’ – we all belong to the Head (Jesus Christ) and are members individually (just like the hand, foot, eye, etc are individual members with different roles and functions of a human body) but we are all part of the same body.

I’m not a teacher of Scripture, so just take these thoughts as musings and encouragements rather than any form of teaching.

As I think about the ‘works’ that come from living out a faith in Jesus Christ I’m reminded that the Gospel (the good news) is different from any other religion where one may have to work their way into God’s favour. The Bible is clear that no one can possibly be made right with God through what they do, but through faith in Jesus Christ’s atoning sacrificial work on the Cross to bring us into right relationship with God the Father with the indwelling Holy Spirit as a ‘seal’ of our redemption, confirming that we are children of God. The things we then do are an outworking of that restored relationship with God, but not something that can earn salvation which is a free gift at Christ’s expense.

Knowing Jesus personally, knowing the tender presence of His Spirit and the reality of His Love changes these things from mere words to life. He Is very real, and those who are His seek to live for Him.

Yet, as I have perhaps digressed, how do we live it out? I think abiding in Christ, staying closely connected with Him and letting Him change us from within is an important step, listening to His Voice and leading in our lives personally, and then looking to what we have to give to others and how we can serve them. Another important step is to stay connected not only to the Head (Jesus) but to His Body of believers as well as we serve together in churches / fellowships. I’m encouraged that God Is the God of encouragement and that He notices little things, and little people too. It may not seem like we have a lot to offer, but love will work its way out in the opportunities we have each day. Some people’s sacrificial lives and love will be very powerfully lived out, but perhaps there are ways we can live for Him as believers each day as He leads – could it be in allowing His love to flow through us to encourage someone else, to show kindness, to practically share what we have, to help someone who is suffering, to give financially or with the goods we have? Could it be in investing time in the gifts we have such as in music, or writing or teaching, or even writing a blog post? Could it be in using the powerful weapon of faith fuelled prayer? What do you have at hand today? How can we encourage each other to live lives of love in the power of the Spirit? Could it be in being more careful in the words we speak, in looking to the practical needs of others, those who are marginalised or suffering, spending time with someone or phoning someone who is struggling or needs encouragement, preparing gifts for those who are homeless or don’t have as much as we do? Maybe the first step will be a small step, but it is somewhere to start.

What are your thoughts on living out your faith, and what encouragement might you have for others?

❤ x

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